Mental Health and me

This is a topic that i don't discuss easily but i really feel like i have some good perspective on it.  i truly do not believe that BDSM is a fix for a mental illness, i think like all walks of life, mental illness occurs in relationships and is no more a symptom of the D/s lifestyle than anything else.  i am a diagnosed Bipolar Type 2 patient, diagnosed eight years ago and reasonably stable on medications.  


Do i think that my mental illness affects our D/s relationship, of course. but my relationship before i entered the lifestyle was greatly affected too.  In all honesty i think i have been more stable since entering the lifestyle, i think having goals and expectations helps me to balance.

Sir monitors my moods carefully, and will adapt our D/s life based on that.  We also must be careful because if my medication levels get too high i can have an absent seizure, which, unfortunately looks an awful lot like subspace.  Sir is more aware and checks in with me often when we are playing.


This makes it sound like it's a lot of work, but the way i look at it we all have special needs, within and outside the lifestyle.  With the extra effort we have been able to have a mutually rewarding experience.


This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, i'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts on the subject, if you aren't comfortable leaving it here as a comment private e-mail me at mcmoonshadow@gmail.com.

Journal - Saturday

i was struggling for a topic tonight and went to my standby The Submissive Guide website and the wonderful Journal Prompts that LunaKM shares with us.  If you have never been to her site you should check it out, there is a link to the left of this posting.


Do you procrastinate, or are you always ahead of schedule? Is it difficult to adjust your habits to someone else’s preference if they are procrastinators and you are not, or vice versa?

This topic is always an issue for us.  i am never late for anything, i'm usually there 30 minutes early...Sir on the other hand is late for everything, jumping in the shower 10 minutes before we are supposed to leave.  It's very difficult for me as my anxiety increases with each passing moment.


How i have worked with it...i manage the family online calendar, for activities that i am really concerned about being on time for, i put them on the calendar at an earlier time, usually 15 - 30 minutes earlier.  Now before you start thinking that i am being deceptive, Sir knows i do this He just doesn't know which calendar events i've done it for.  It seems to be working pretty well for us!


How do you handle these issues in your relationship?  i'd love to know, perhaps someone has an even better solution for us.  Feel free to leave comments below!

Journal - Last Night's Scene

i promised to share the next time we scened.  Yay, we did last night.  This is going to be pretty much a rundown of the play session we had.


i received my text to be ready and waiting at 9:25 last night.  Sir knows that i like everything i do to be on a quarter or half hour, hence the fact that he put me off balance with 9:25, it's those little things that make our sessions so much more intense.  i was kneeling naked in the center of the RROP (red room of pain, it's what we call the dungeon, and yes, it is red!)  Sir came in about 5-10 minutes later and collared me per our usual protocol and attached the nipple clamps to my nipple rings leaving the chain to swing.  i was told to crawl to my corner and wait for Him.  He came to my corner and put the ankle and wrist cuffs on, He then used the snap hooks to connect them to each other.  Sir told me to stay there kneeling until he came back.  The music was on, and the floor of the RROP is made from anti-fatigue matting so i couldn't really hear anything.  i started my relaxation and focusing activities until He came back. i was blindfolded and was told to "service" Him, i gave Him a pretty spectacular blow job :)  i was sent back to my corner kneel and wait while He set up the room the way He wanted.  He never wants to set up in advance, He likes to keep me guessing and if He was to set up or more the furniture around i would be anticipating.


When He came for me He led me to the table and laid me across it on the long side, He then attached the longest spreader bar to my ankle cuffs.  He started to attach my wrist cuffs to rope that was tied to the eye bolt and ring in the ceiling but realized that wasn't going to work well with my newly tattooed wrists so he exchanged the regular cuffs with the suspension cuffs that put less pressure on my inner wrists (see, this is what i love about Him, i didn't say a word about how uncomfortable the cuffs were but he could just tell!).  So, i was bent over the table with my arms suspended behind me to the ceiling.  All in all, it's actually a pretty nice position, i couldn't move much but i didn't want to.

Now, i must say that Sir is a Master at ramping.  He took a class at our last big event on the Art of Ramping with Master Galland.  His techniques have really helped us increase my pain tolerance.  The basic principal is to build slowly and to work as a team, meaning that Sir watches my breathing, my movements, the way i tense my body and uses the cues to show Him when to increase the intensity of the strikes and when to back off at just the right time to allow me to handle more. If you ever have the opportunity to attend one of Master Galland's classes i would highly recommend it.


Now comes the fun part....Sir started by just running His hands all over me, light touch, not so light touch, fingernails scratching.  i could then feel something wooden, today i saw that it was the medium cane, used with carefully placed light impact, these strikes covered my legs, ass and back....as i eased into the sensation He started using more force and with that....i got a text message on my phone, ignored it...second text....Sir checks my phone and it is my 16 year old son who lives with us, he's been throwing up and wants something for it...REALLY, right now, but duty as a mom comes before duty as a submissive.  i got dressed took him down some medicine, he said he was going back to bed so i make my way back to the RROP...can i say that my whole focus and space was gone!  Sir tried to get me back where i had been but it just wasn't working so He changed things up, decided i was such a good subbie and mom that i deserved a little fun, He played with my nipple rings, now this drives me insane, they are so sensitive, He laid me down on the bed and grabbed the hitachi...7 orgasms later i was totally out of myself!  i just curled up in a ball, Sir covered me with my favorite soft blanket and i zoned.  Eventually i made it back to the floor to be uncollared and off to bed i went.


Ok, so that's pretty much a look at one of more crazy scenes, the text really messed things up, but that's the life we lead, our kids always come first before our D/s stuff, and they always will!  And, on that note, our 3rd son, the one who is away at school, will be in town for the next 5 days, probably not much scening to be had here.


Questions, comments, want to share your story?  Hit the Comment button below.

Who Knows?

Who knows about your lifestyle choices?  Are you out to your family? Your workplace?  How about to your vanilla friends?  Were there consequences to "coming out" in the lifestyle?  Who do you have to put your vanilla mask on for?  

This is a topic we struggle with in our relationship.  We have four sons, the oldest is 28 the youngest is 16, the two oldest are married and the only one living with us is the youngest.  Quite by accident my daughter-in-law found out we were in the lifestyle, in our family there is very little that is off limits as far as discussions go and i didn't feel the need to lie to her.  So my oldest son now knows, he has no interest in discussing it with us, that's fine, i don't have a problem with that.  His wife, on the other hand, asks me questions all the time, again i don't have a problem with that, i give her as much information as i can.  The three other boys know that one of the guest rooms upstairs is locked with a key lock, we have simply said that it's "mom's meditation room" hey, that's kinda true, certainly leave that room relaxed!


My sister was one of the first people i went to back when i was just getting interested, she is a lesbian and i knew that there were some kinky folks who hung out in some of the same bars.  She introduced me to a friend who had a short D/s relationship, who then directed me to FetLife, and the rest is history!  Other than that our families don't know, and i really don't feel like they need to, we have very little interaction with them anyway.


Work, now that is a different matter.  i'm a nurse by trade and the state that i live in there is a morality clause associated with my license and the majority of the employers have the same clauses.  Coming out at work would probably never be an option for me.  Sir is in a similar situation, He is a Consultant, a contracted worker, His livelihood could be very negatively impacted if the wrong people knew about our choices.


We have a TON of lifestyle friends, but within the community we are very careful about giving out personal information.  Most of the people know our real first names (as opposed to our scene/screen names) but most of them don't know our last name or address.  We, of course have close friends within the community who have been to our home and us to there's, but that information is given carefully, and it is quite an honor when we are gifted with it, it's a sacred trust that we would never share the information to harm them.  Recently there was a submissive who came into the community, acquired that information and outed a Dom to his employer, his wife and their 13 year old daughter.  We later found out that she was not who she said she was and that there were warrants for her arrest in another state.  Scary stuff for everyone involved.


So, who have your shared your lifestyle choices with?  Were there any repercussions?  i'd love to hear your stories!  Just put them in the comments below, the anon feature is on if you'd rather not share your information!

Now What Do We Do?

"Love well, whip well."~Benjamin Franklin

Sometimes things are going along wonderfully and then BAM!  For us that happened in February of this year.  We're pretty much balanced in our needs in the playroom, i like pain and He's able to give it to me.  In November of last year Sir fell down the stairs, He tore his rotator cuff.  We were able to play but most of the impact play was very uncomfortable for Him.  In February He had surgery to repair what ended up being a much larger tear than they thought in His dominant arm.  For six weeks He was completely immobilized in a splint and even after that with all the physical therapy He was mostly unable to use that arm.


i need pain, i'm a masochist and when i don't get pain play i'm not a very happy person. After about 8 weeks i was at a pretty miserable place.  Sir and i are monogamous in our play, we don't play in public and we don't play with other people.  A very dear Dominant friend approached Sir and offered to scene with me in the privacy of their home (they have an awesome dungeon).  Sir recognized that i really needed it and agreed, Sir Michael and His submissive were there, as were Sir and i.  The scene went well and we were all feeling good about it, there were no sexual overtures, Sir Michael and his sub are completely monogamous too.  It was all about giving me what i needed at that time.  Since then i have scened with Sir Michael three other times, again with all parties present.  During this time Sir scened with me in our dungeon but was just more creative.  He used rope, wax, and even microbranding, all things he could do without the use his arm.


At this point Sir is able to use His arm pretty well and i don't think we will need to have Sir Michael help us out.  i know how hard the decision to allow Sir Michael into our dynamic was for Sir, He's extremely possessive and i know He would not have made that decision if He hadn't known where i was and how much i needed it.  


i don't kid myself into thinking that these same issued don't come up for other D/s, M/s couples.  i'd love to know how other couples deal with these issues.  Please respond by comment and let me know!

Daily Journal - Monday

Wow, a busy, busy weekend.  Sunday was finally a bit more peaceful as Sir and son #1, #1.5 (1's wife), and #4 went to a U2 concert.  To say that Sir is a U2 fan is a huge understatement!  i learned years ago that i'm just not a big enough fan to go with the rest of my crazy family members!


While they were gone i got caught up on a few things i had let slide over the weekend so it worked out well for all involved.  And, of course, there was a new True Blood episode to watch!

(No this isn't me, just a Tumblr pic, my pics will be tomorrow!)

i received permission today to get my new tattoos, i've been thinking about these for a while and have taken my time with them because they will be very visible, unlike the one that i have on my chest.  These will be on the inside of each wrist, not much i'll be able to do to cover those!  But i think i've chosen wisely, the left wrist will have our last name in script so that the person looking at it will be able to read it... i'm having that one done as a tribute to Sir.  My right wrist will have the 4 initials of my sons in birth order in caps in a matching script  Originally Sir said that He was going to go with me, but He doesn't like blood/needles, just not His thing, so i'm going to go down during the day tomorrow and have it done.  He was there for all 3 of my piercings but i'm quite sure i can handle this one on my own.  So, if all goes well, i'll post pics of my new tatts tomorrow!


As always, comments, suggestions, or even your own personal experiences are welcome!  Just click the comment button below!

Balance

To be thrilled by the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage, is the mark of a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleasing nod, and satisfied by the proverbial a job well done, is the mark of a slave. It may sound severe. Almost anti-erotic. Until you see two people, Owner and owned, existing in a complimentary relationship where each suits the other like balances on a delicate scale~~Laura Antoniou